Domov : Hafan : Haus : Home
Journeying to Reclaim an Ancestral Self Beyond Whiteness
Written January 25, 2020
Although I'm still feeling it-- this Aquarius New Moon has been gentler than most for me-- I'm no expert nor even a lay novice in astrology-- but perhaps my rising sign in Aquarius and moon in Taurus give way to a "lightness" in this lunar cycle moment--
(although the deep questions and the awareness of sooooooo many dynamics that are usually on full blast during new moon are swirling just off the edge of my periphery....)
But the lightness is lending itself to a full bodied and continuum of gentleness, of rest, of resolution as well as curiosity....so my sense is that this cycle is showing me a sign post of how far I've come in the last solar year-- where the work I've put in for my own healing, healing as compared to growth (i'll speak to the difference for me below)-- is finally embodied enough that I don't feel like my psyche is turned on her head and melting face first into the OceanWell of MyBeing this new moon, with but a spiritual snorkel and some ancient flippers to help me swim.
For those of you not in southcentral PA-- it is 46degrees here and has been raining for hours.
--and my body and my heart are grieving that it is not cold enough for this rain to be a BIG snow-- and to pile gently on the land, on our minds and spirits to quiet everything and everyone down. The snow that isn't here-- really feels like it ought to be happening, so that the ground can sloooooowly absorb the white cold water form and fill the tables below the surface.... There is so much to life that is below the surface, and subterranean water ways is one, and I keep thinking of them...
I've spent a lot of January grieving the loss of winter- worried about the trees-- specifically the maples....wondering if they will have enough time in the cold to move through their natural dormancy and sap cycle....part of this is selfish-- as I really look forward to tapping a tree to bottle and partake in some sweet COLD sap- and nourish my body with this lifeblood....and part of this is grieving the possibility that the trees will be so stressed that they struggle to move through their seasonal cycles, and it may have a long term effect....and there's nothing I can do -except tell them I'm sorry for the state of the climate-- ask their forgiveness, and if there's anything I can do to support them.
The maples will learn to move northward...I know in the long run they will most likely be fine...their seeds and offspring will adapt and commute on the wind and animals many miles north...but central PA may lose this species at some point....and that just makes me sad for humans and the land and the little beings that love to eat those sweet maple seeds.
It is a strange sensation to feel the surge of & surrender into this eco-grief....but it's an important part of where we are--.
To comfort the grief, I am grateful of the healing I mentioned above--
-the healing as compared to growth, although honestly there is most likely some growth sprinkled in there as well...but it is not traditionally measurable (and I'm pretty done with absolutes/binaries these days-- so healing is priority, if growth happens, than I welcome it, but I do not strive for it.) If anything, I would imagine to some external measure, I'm not growing, but lessening---disengaging--
I'm working less, observing and Being more.
I'm pushing less, surrendering more.
I'm seeking less in most capacities...and instead I'm showing up more for myself, aiming for loving relation and time, SLOWING DOWN into the rhythm of the Body, Earth and Spirit instead of seeking quantity of accomplishment & connection.
(this is the point where former manifestations of myself would have been freaking out about money...but I'm not worried about money or "man"ifesting anymore, I've wasted too much precious time on the systems that be-- and enough is enough....I'm now much more focused on "femme" and "queer"vesting, and bringing that MAGIC up-down-and into my life. Fuck "TheMan" ---it's been shitting on us for way too long...and if we at some point gotta' just eat buttered noodles and cereal again-- than we will toast that gorgeous sustenance! There are dreams and souls at stake peeps....learning to live YOUR LIFE isn't about meeting external standards-- I believe it has much more to do with building bridges and sanctuaries from and to the past/present/future and the Mysteries of your individual medicine and work to the world and Earth herself.) #recoveringworkaholic
I'm stressing less and I'm dreaming more-- both waking and non-waking dreamscapes....and this dreaming has been magic-- and has connected me to what I've come to realize as one traditional Slavic way of healing for myself and others as a practitioner.
~Working with and through dream time has presented itself to me again and again in the recent weeks and month (and over the longer arc of my life), and I'm grateful to be connected and connecting to some dear folx that will likely be able to support me in deepening my understanding and working relationship with the SleeptimeDreamCamp.
As well, over the last six months, I've finally given myself the grace to fully embrace and practice Shabbat on a weekly basis, and it is one of the biggest spiritual homecomings of my life.
It's not big in appearance....it's not big in sound or announcement (although I love to sing and chant the prayers)...it's quite the opposite...it's the space to take space and time for myself-- to disengage with the external-- and to sway myself gently into a deep and pleasant listening of me without some austere dogma, and it is fabulous.
It's time to light candles and listen to the quiet. It's time to eat, and maybe have deep or raucous chavrusa & conversation if I'm with others.
It's time to not do the dishes or pay the bills WITHOUT GUILT, but nap on the couch with the doggos and binge watch Netflix if I want.
It's time to pray-- to reflect on the week-- to give thanks for that which fed and supported me-- to feel into the shifts and magic afoot-- it's time to pray and think of others and the world-- and it's all free-- no costs, no memberships, no transactional form of belonging....just being and shaping my life from the comfort of my home-- and that is just the best.
I feel that whether we're talking about Christianity or New Age Spiritual practices, the dominant norms for the US, -- the externalization and commodification of spiritual space is just a given...it's an unwavering "necessity" which is capitalism in action, and one of the beauties of holding Shabbat, is that it shows how untrue that necessity is.
Shabbat for me is whole and healing unto itself- it is ancient, it is simple and flexible within a lovely rhythm, and it is evolving for a feminist-pagan-reconciling-reclaiming ancestral Jew like myself. And I wouldn't have passed through this threshhold without the support and love of a few new friends, who I am deeply grateful to. XO
My desire and intention that I set early last year to create non-commercialized spiritual community has been met 1000 times over in ways that I couldn't have imagined. Whether with new precious friendships on Instagram or MarcoPolo, to having my hand held as I learned and found resources to hold Shabbat each Friday evening, to continuing the path and forging connections between different practices of dreamwork-- the constant restlessness and questioning that was gnawing at me for a long, long time has found a sweet pot of honey to which to sip and enjoy, and it is such a pleasant relief.
I share this because my wish for you dear one is for you find a sweet pot of spiritual honey-- or maybe it's a cup of cocoa or a sour lemony spiritual treat-- whatever would feel so so good to you-- for your body, mind, spirit, soul, home and day to day-- I pray that it finds you--and you find it, and you'll be woven together in a love and support that you have been seeking, or may not know you need.
I could go on and on about the art I'm making or want to make, the dynamics of sharing different forms of work online that friends and I are wrestling with. I could go on about resting and relaxing into the the feat of having 1700 baby plants in the ground at the farm, and so I'm not taking the winter to push into creating anymore projects there at the moment (although there's always repair work to be done, who's got a drill and wants to come to the mountains this spring? ), or how at 43, and in my fourth decade, I believe I've finally realized that I'm no longer going to back in and out of the queer closet here in Lancaster. If people are going to not like me, they can do so with full knowledge of who I truly am and the community that feels most like home to me-- QUEERDOS--- which is another threshold that I consciously and unconsciously danced around for years and years.....whew. Heteronormative religious patriarchy is a real pain in the ass.
SO-!!! HAPPY FULL MOON DEAR HEARTS-- I wish you sweet, loving, abundant blessings this weekend, and if you haven't seen or heard about Lyla June's #fastforthefuture or Saltwater Stars' EMOCEANAL SUPPORT gatherings-- take a look...there's some awesome women of color/FEMME and QUEER led movement shifting and shaping our world right now. Thank Goddess. And all of this is leading up to the CELEBRATION OF THE TREES on 2/9-- Tu Bishvat! and this is the Grandmother Beech Tree that we will be chilling with to celebrate-- such incredible Asherah Spirit! XO
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Trella (she/they) is navigating her way to an ever deepening sense of humanity as she reaches towards her own ancestral knowledge- socially, culturally, and spiritually. This space is dedicated to anyone, no matter how you present, or what identities society has assigned you, who are committed to healing ourselves and our world, with an anti-racist, queer proud, decolonized, and inclusive perspective. BIPOC to the front. xo